spain’s win proves my brilliance

Several weeks ago, dear readers, I predicted Spain would win the European cup and that Torres would be responsible, despite my admitted ignorance when it comes to international tournaments. I showed that ignorance with my fantasy team, coming in dead last in my pool. True, I never updated my team after day one, but as Saint likes to point out, that’s not a valid excuse. I accept that. I still think the rules of the ESPN Soccernet game were terrible and confusing.

I also predicted weeks ago that Donadoni was not long for the role as capo di tutti capo. I was joined by about 300 million others in that prediction, so I can’t pat myself on the back too much for that one.

Another prediction that came true was that Bangers would profit from running the pool somehow. Which he did. He didn’t win, but still managed to clear $40 or so by ripping off a bunch of people. Well done asshole.

We are now into the dreaded summer doldrums, where we have to content ourselves with stories about transfers, agents, top-up fees, and bar(ton) fights. When is the Community Shield match????

Ugliest men in Europe, part 3

Two more from Wednesday’s semifinal. Really hideous. Those of you with weak stomachs may want to turn away.

Rustu Recher, Goalkeeper, Turkey

This man came on unexpectedly and quickly became one of the most valuable players in the fantasy uglyball league, surpassed only by perennial favorite Ribery in cost.

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Bastian Schweinsteiger, Midfielder, Germany

The pig foreman. Once got beat up by Ralphy in the Chicago suburbs of the 1950s.

Great player,hideous grill.

Germany on the Lahm, blackouts, and whistles

AHHHHHHHHH!!. What a frustrating spectacle yesterday’s match was. The second-half blackouts were horrible. Thank god the live feed to the “fan zones” weren’t interrupted, though. What would we have done without those shots of random people standing in a park? And Tommy Smyth’s witticisms made it all worthwhile. I could listen to him share his wisdom all day. Thanks Tommy! You fcukng cnut.

Another gripe: does the guy from UEFA handling the boom mike go out of his way to set up his equipment next to a bunch of guys with whistles? Every time there was any sort of challenge whistles went off in the stands, which the audio feed isolated and made very clear. I was sure Lahm’s late winner was whistled dead before he scored. Really irritating.

I was whole-heartedly pulling for Turkey, mainly because of my trip there last year and the work I did with Digiturk, their satellite TV company, on their HD push. Demand for their HD services has been through the roof as a result of the team’s performance. I hear they were burned by the blackout as well. All the people with the expensive new equipment and services must be furious.

Onto the match, and doesn’t Wenger look brilliant in benching Lehman. Not to take anything away from the Turkish goals, but Lehman looked miserable. Coming out at wrong times, unsure, beaten at his near post. Just terrible. Enjoy, Stuttgart.

Lahm’s winner was incredible. Luckily we got to see it during the 10 minute window of live coverage of the second half. Andy Gray had been justifiably riding him (and Klose, as well) right before then, but he showed his quality there. He also showed why I like right-footers in the left back position. If you use your fullbacks in the attack at all, it’s invaluable to have them attacking the goal with their preferred foot. If that chance had fallen to his left foot he is unlikely to have finished it. These guys can all clear with their weaker foot, so I don’t see it as a liability in defense.

Next match coming up today and I can’t wait. I’m still pulling for Spain, since I had picked them from day 1, but I won’t be upset to see Russia go through if they play like they did against Holland. Can Ashkimov live up to the hype he generated in the previous 2 matches? Unlikely, but I’d like to see it. And I wonder if Cesc will get the start? For me, he’s been Spain’s best player outside of a few splashes of brilliance from Villa. Of course, I can also see the wisdom in bringing him off the bench later in the match, as he is able to dictate the tempo of the match better than anyone. Need to attack? Cesc will get it started and keep the ball in the attacking half. Need to hold onto a lead? He’ll hold the ball in midfield and play out to the wings, keeping his defenders from absorbing too much pressure. Need someone to get stuck in and disrupt an opponents flow with some hard tackles? You get the idea. Fabregas is the real deal.

Great article in today’s Globe and Mail (Canada) today about ESPN/ABC’s decision to cover the tournament in its entirety, and what it means in the larger scope of things. Jim Rome can suck it.

Ugliest Men in Europe, part 2b

A few comments/suggestions have come in (OK, one), but its a good one and warrants a separate post, I think.

Servet Cetin, Defender, Turkey

According to Murali Krishnan:
“he’s the scariest of them all. Even scarier than Ribery himself. ”
Now I think that may be a bridge too far, but he’s definitely not a pretty man. Is he one of the dozens suspended/injured for Turkey’s impending 3-1 defeat to Germany?

Ugliest Men in Europe, part 2

carrying on from Friday’s post, here are a few more hideous faces from the tournament.

Carlos Puyol, Defender, Spain

Not too much to say here. Pictures speak a thousand words, they say. In this case, I wish they would shut the fuck up. The scary thing is that this is his official team picture from ueafa.com. THIS IS THE BEST HE EVER LOOKS.

Mauro Camoronese, Midfielder, Italy

I didn’t think it was possible for an Italian to be so ugly, and it turns out I’m right. He’s a naturalized Italian, hailing from Argentina via Mexico. Explains a lot.

OK, so he’s not as hideous as Pujol, but his game is certainly ugly. as was that of the rest of the Italia 08 team. 11 men in the box at all times. Good fucking riddance.

Francois Ribery, Midfielder, France.

??????????????????

Hakan Yakin, Midfielder, Switzerland

A little known fact about Hakan is that he used to be the lead singer for Dead or Alive.

At 31, his best playing days are behind him, but he has a long career of abducting children ahead of him.

The ugliest men in Europe, part 1

Chicks can go on and on about Ronaldo or Ljumberg or Ballack as much as they want, but the new trend in football is clear: ugly.

For your consideration, a fantasy team of the Cup’s ugliest players, starting from the back. Please send any additions/considerations, as this will be updated over the rest of the tournament.

Goalkeeper: Bogdan Lobont, Romania

This man looks exactly like you would think a man named Bogdan Lobont would look. In the offseason, Bogdan bounces at a Bucharest brothel.

Defender: Mariusz Jop, Poland

A survivor of a freak industrial accident, Mariusz doubles as an axe-wielding maniac in Polanski films.

why did England wear yellow shirts today?

Total lack of creativity. No real attack. Slow midfield. Dodgy keeper. I swear it was England that lined up against the Russkies today. The yellow must be their alternative kit.

Apparently Roman is paying for Guus’s salary, which makes sense in some only-makes-sense-in -Russia kind of way. Those godless commie scum are lucky America (fuck, yeah) isn’t playing in this tournament. Actually, the entire world is lucky America isn’t playing in this competition. Who would wants to watch that shitty team?

According to my favorite and yours Tommy Smyth, the Boston Celtic beat the LA Laker to win the NBA finals. How should I react to his ignorance? Should I refer to that Scottish team only in the plural from now on?

Apparently my nemesis Bangers is in a bit of trouble with some large, bat-wielding men due to his incompetence as a bookmaker. He should be OK as long as Portugal, Spain, Germany, Netherlands, Italy, Croatia and Russia all get knocked out.

sleepless in seattle

Sorry for the lack of updates in the last few days, loyal readers, but I have been traveling around the great pacific northwest. I have to say, this trip has actually confirmed my thought that football is finally gaining widespread acceptance in this country. Every bar in every airport, every lobby hotel bar, every sports bar– they have all been showing the European matches. This is THE MOST beneficial thing for the development of our own talent pool. Growing up we didn’t have such coverage, and so we never saw the game played at its highest level. Now all the American kids are growing up watching the Premiership and the Euro as easily as they watch the World Series. There is no better way for young players to learn how the game is supposed to be played.

Apparently the US Nashitnal team beat Barbados 8-0 the other day. Of course, this is after the Barbados national side took out ads looking for players (see quote). Damn, CONCACAF is the toughest qualifying group in the world. Why don’t the Europeans give it the respect it deserves?

ARE YOU BARBADIAN BY BIRTH,

NATIONALITY, OR DESCENT?
LET US CHECK IT OUT FOR YOU
DO YOU PLAY FOOTBALL PROFESSIONALLY?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BECOME A MEMBER OF BARBADOS’ NATIONAL FOOTBALL PROGRAMME? Seniors, Youth, Women.
SEND US A NOTE AT bdosfootball@caribsurf.com
or ronalddac@yahoo.com.

By the way, I have totally abandoned the fantasy leagues I’m in for Euro 2008, since I don’t understand the rules and can’t be bothered to make changes to my team when I don’t even know if they’ll count. My rivals, Saint and Bangers, are sure to rub salt in my wounds– removing myself and considering my $20 lost is the surest way to diffuse their gloating.

I’m watching the France-Italy match and the news that Huntelaar put the Dutch up over Romania just came through. Damn, I’d love to see both France and Italy fall out. These teams are terrible to watch, as opposed to the brilliant Oranje, who I will be posting on directly.

Saint and Bangers on the Oranje march

Bangers:

i love that they went up 1-0 vs the frogs, and then they put in van persie and robben. the french rightly crapped themselves. i also saw on espn that there is a player named ruud van persie. surely if there was such a person he would win the tournament singlehandedly while gropping austrian whores at the same time

Saint:

Nastiest team I've seen in a long time - maybe ever - offensively anyway - ridiculous what thwy did to two of the best in the world

Tommy Smyth: a blight

Yesterday saw an amazing team performance by Spain and perhaps one of the most well-struck balls I’ve ever seen from Ibrahimovich, but my enjoyment of the Spain-Russia match was tempered by the incessant drivel coming out of that leprachaun Tommy Smyth. The following is an actual quote from this pimple on the ass of ESPN’s coverage:

“You can see him [Torres] a little bit isolated right there,
though there are other players around him.”

I kept rewinding and playing it over because I couldn’t believe he actually said it, but there you go. This is in sharp contrast to the brilliant commentary of Andy Gray, who gives praise where its merited and criticism where warranted. Could you imagine him saying anything like the above?

The ESPN Soccernet fantasy league my dreaded rival Bangers&Mash signed us up for is a farce. The rules are totally unlike any fantasy game I’ve ever paticipated in. Points for the people on your bench??? WHere the hell did it say that in the rules? This is another blatant example of Bangers&Mash looking to squeeze any dime he can out of those will less information than he has. What a cheap, sniveling bitch. At least I’m better than him at golf…